Loyal readers, I come to you with a grim and shocking truth – videogames are truly sick, demented andevilproducts of cruel and twisted perverts who wish to destroy the very basis of humanity as we know it. I originally wrote today’s article on mypersonal sitelast year, but nobody listened. Nobody listened to the shocking and horrendous facts I’d laid out before them. Finally though, thebanningofManhunt 2around the worldhas shown that common sense is returning to the masses. Yes, I may have helpedGamers for Gamingtake form, but that was before I remembered how depraved the gaming world truly was. For my completely serious and not in any way sarcastic article, hit the jump.
SayVideogamesto almost anyone and you’re guaranteed a thigh-slapping guffaw as the recipient of your word recalls the belovedDizzyseries of cassette-based games for the Spectrum and Commodore 64. However, say it to the right people and you’re guaranteed an altogether frostier reception as Mrs. Higgins remembers the time her son wentapesh*twith aclaw hammeror Professor Science recounts the harrowing tale of the time his students tried torapehim after seeing a dog trying to have sex with aSega Genesis System. What do these hundreds of examples have in common?Videogames! Indeed, it seems that the world of interactive entertainment is the newNazi Party for nazis, warping impressionable and innocent minds. But why? How? Who? Where? And the other question? All this and more will be explained!
SEX & VIOLENCE!
Videogames are portals to a dimension ofcorruptionandsinthat twist youngmindsinto thinking that it is perfectly acceptable behaviour torape and kill everythingthey see. Without overexaggerating,everybodywho plays games will succumb to this damninginfluence. But how does this happen?
It’s quite simple. Videogames, every single one ever made, place you into environments where you canstabpeople,shootpeople withguns and arrows and clubs, haveicky sexwithwomenandswear all the timewithout any consequences. Being able to commit every crime under the sun with no fear of reprisal has adamagingeffect on the minds of otherwise rational people, turning them intohighly trained killerswithin hours. Ifyoucould kill your loved ones and rape children and get away with it, you would, wouldn’t you? We all would. Videogames take away theboundariesthat keep us from doing these things, because we are all so veryeasily influencedwithout anyself taught moral standards.
Videogames on the market today are produced purely to encourageviolent behaviour. Titles such asBioshock,Metal Gear Solid 4andDewy’s Adventureall contain disturbingly graphic images of sex and violence… probably. Thissick filthshould bebannedfor all the violence that it isscientifically provento have caused. We proved it. Withscience.INCIDENT!
For proof that games areevil, look no further thanactual incidents that actually happened actually. On the morning of July 8th, 1999, two small boys playedGRAND THEFT AUTO OMGfor a period of no less than thirty minutes. Two years later, one of the boys got knocked down in ahit and runincident! Was this a coincidence? Sure, okay, yeah, coincidence. The boy died in hospital, for reference. And his dad used to abuse him. No doubt because he playedevil videogames. The patterns are there if youlookfor them.
It’s widely believed thatHarold Shipmanwas inspired by the twisted moral virtues of Bullfrog’sTheme Hospitalto become one of England’s mostprolificserial killers. And is it not true that the ammoral and enabling monster in the notoriousSplatter Housevideogames bears more than a passing resemblance to infamous murdererJason Vorheeswho terrorised Camp Crystal Lake and Outer Space for over ten years?
Of course, one of the most famous recent cases was that of Stefan Pakeerah who was slaughtered by his friend Warren Leblanc in a park aged only 14. Now of course Warren, who was completely innocent of all crimesexceptthe stabbing, just happened to have played another of Rockstar’sdepravedgames,MANHUNT. In this game, you are encouraged tokill and possibly molest animals all the time, being pressured into ever moreperversedeeds. Is it any wonder that Warrenfelt he had no choicebut to kill a human being inreal life? No, it isn’t. Because even rational human beingsare incapable of telling the difference between animation and real life.
Now, if you ignore that the motive for the murder was discovered to be robbery and focus only on the minute coincidence that Leblanc playedManhunt, a very interesting statement can be made:WARREN LEBLANC PLAYED MANHUNT AND KILLED SOMEBODY!The evidence is incontrovertable, there’s no need for the jury to retire.Manhuntwas clearly some form ofinstruction manualfor the murderer, because it told youexactly how to kill somebody in real life because tapping the X Button always works in real life so it’s an instruction manual. Despite all the evidence that pointed to a bungled robbery, the true motive for themurderwas that Leblanc wasbrainwashedby Rockstar forsome reason.
We must also ignore the fact that the boys were both aged 14 and thus shouldn’t have legally been playing the game and that the parents perhaps should’ve kept an eye on that and that also maybe the parents of Stefan Pakeerah shouldn’t have bought their own murdered son a copy of the very same game knowing what the age rating was on it unless they didn’t know in which case it was just pure irresponsibility on their part if, and only if, they believed their teenage child was too stupid to handle an 18 videogame … and focus on the pureFACTS.
WARREN LEBLANC PLAYED MANHUNT AND KILLED SOMEBODY!
Those are the straight edge facts. Accept them. Can we in good faith allow children access to the 18-rated games that we buy for them? Of course not.But we are not to blame by the way, somehow it’s the videogame company’s fault.BLOOD ON THE HORIZON!
If you are still unconvincedthat videogames aremanuals of death, then maybe taking a look at some of thesordid dirtcoming out to stores nearyouvery soon will change your mind. Just check out thispurest sin
ROD STEWART’S RAPES – A – POPPIN’In this disgusting title, you take on the eponymous antagonist Rod Stewart who rapes his way through twenty levels ofutter degradation. The aim is simple – rape as many women as you’re able to before the legendary rock star has a hernia, all the while battling the foes of age and radio obscurity. You earn points for each woman raped and if you can meet a set rape quota, the cops will let you off the hook so long as you give them a performance ofMaggie May. You are then invited to sit back and watch a thrilling Rod Stewart pop performance as a rape reward for all your hard raping work. Rod Stewart himself has been very vocally supportive of thisawfulgame.
“Well, y’know, it’s just a bit of rape,” claimed the elfin musical idol in a recent IGN interview. “I defy you to find one man who hasn’t done at least half a rape or so in his time. I don’t think there’d be quite this much fuss if I were portrayed raping, say, loamy soil … or something. People are too sensitive. The handbags and the gladrags, etcetera.”
Says it all.
LEBANON HA HASometimes they just do it on purpose and this is indeed the case here. There is no plot, no rhyme nor reason. Your single goal is to walk around the war torn streets of Lebanon and laugh at the charred, mutilated remains of civilians that litter the street. One button ‘locks on’ to specific targets and you can cycle through a selection of possible subjects. You then press the button to make your character point at said target, then another to laugh. The ‘skill’ involved in thisatrociousgame is timing your laughter, choosing how long to stay pointing and laughing before ducking clear of Israeli airstrikes.
Turning the Israel-Lebanon conflict into some sort ofjokeis nothing tojokeabout and is some sort of sickjoke. If children cannot be encouraged to take such things seriously, then what hope do they have? Thechildren.Children.
HITLER’S HEROESIn thisgrotesquegame, you take on the role of ‘Uncle’ Adolf Hitler, a supposedly fictional character not based on real life. In fact, everything in this game – Hitler, The Holocaust, are supposed to not be based on real persons, events or places. But it’s set in Germany, which I’m sureexists, as questionable as the other stuff is. Dubbed ‘Ratchet & Clank with Nazis,’ the summary on the back of the case tells you all you need to know about thisputridthing:
Guten Tag, freuds! War Crime your way through eighteen levels of unbridled genocidal fun as Uncle Addy, based on the popular fictional role of the lovable Adolf Hitler, as portrayed by Charlie Chaplin. Those nefarious Hebrews are up to yet another global conspiracy, so it’s up to YOU to Holocaust their asses before it’s Jew late. Let’s not forget those subhuman slavs and gypsies, either … and who could forget the queers? Yes, I think it’s time we showed those scumbags who’s boss in the only way we know how – a grade-A dose of Zyklon B! With cutting edge graphics and a full vocal cast including the voice of Megatron, Frank Welker, this Heilarious adventure will leave you feeling swastastic!
I need say no more.
THE GOOD GUYS!
John Bruce is a lawyer fromThe United World Of AmericainAmerica. ThisAmericanis at the vanguard in the war onfilth. Bruce, a former crab fisherman, has taken the producers of videogames tocourtfor theircrimes against humanity(all unsuccessfully). Destructoid was very lucky to catch aninterviewwith the man himself and discuss his views onviolentvideogames, where he shared some interesting views.
“You know Sony, right? Well, they’re Japanese. That means that I can say their selling videogames to America isexactlythe same as when the sumbitches bombed Pearl Harbour,” Bruce said, before we’d even asked a question. “A videogame is about ten times more dangerous than any kind of explosive device, because it trains people how to make explosive devices, which are dangerous. Everybody knows that nearly all videogame developers make bombs as well, especially those slant-eyed devils!”
Bruce went on to tell us more fascinating truths. “Everybody knows that 17 year olds can buy 18-rated games. Somehow this is the fault of the people who made the games because they have control over the independant retailers who sell their material. Somehow.” Bruce’s words are damning and also correct. He has fought many lawsuits on behalf of the families of murder victims in his bid to prove that every single crime committed by a teenager is the result ofvideogamesand has nothing to do with the fact that they might just be, y’know, dicks.
John Bruce has uncovered a shocking fact –many 14 year olds actually play videogames!Because of this, and because a tiny percentage of 14 year olds have been involved in violent crime, the link between the two is undeniable. “It’s true. 14 year old Michael Carneal who is not made up murdered three children in Paducah, Kentucky, and was well known for playing several videogames such asDoom, in which you shoot giant slavering demons with a chaingun – clearly something Carneal mimicked when he attacked three small children, because who could tell the difference? He also accessed pornographic websites and really, the idea of a teenage boy wanting to look at porn is just unbelievable. Games are to blame once more!”
“Videogame makers are unreasonable and irrational. That’s why I want them dead and won’t reason with any of them,” Bruce said when asked if he’d ever tried speaking directly with games developers. We agree with him. Bruce has been criticized in the past by people claiming that he wants to halt free speech by seeing videogames taken to task. “Videogame discs can’t speak, so it’s not speech. That’s why I can get them banned,” was Bruce’s blunt answer.
“We’ve done tests. Tests showing that videogames condition a teenager’s mind to go out and kill. I will give you the results if you ask for them. It might take a while because we lost them.”
THE FINAL LEVEL!
So, hopefully we’veraised awarenessin this article and proved conclusively thatvideogames are evil. Remember, criminals are rarely responsible for their actions just like parents aren’t responsible for their children. No, it is the fault ofmany other thingsthat people turn out the way they do and thatwe are never to blame. If your child has been the victim ofviolence, make sure that you blame whatever the perpetrator wasplaying/watching/listening tobecause it really isn’t the fault of murderers that they murder. Remember, for everyMansonthere’s aManhunt, for everyGacythere’s aGTAand for everyShipmanthere’s aSonic The Hedgehog 2.Right, did that sound dumb and sensationalist enough to be accepted by the mainstream press?
