Vehicle Mode! Beast Mode! Vehicle Mode! Beast Mode! Vehicle Mode!
Nowadays, every time I look at a synopsis, my eyes go blurry, I pass out, and I wake up naked in another city with more questions than answers.
The only reason I played 2000’s eloquently namedTransformers: Beast Wars: Transmetalsis because I have a morbid fascination with the Blockbuster exclusive rental titles of the N64. This one didn’t stay a rental, which I don’t understand, because one weekend is all it takes to be twisted by the eldritch horrors contained within.
As I said, I haven’t the slightest clue whatBeast Warsis all about. It apparently takes place in the future of the originalTransformersseries and also maybe on another planet? It depicts the Maximals and the Predacons fighting a war for some reason. They’re also apparently descendants of the Autobots and Decepticons, and I’m sure someone out there can explain to me how it’s possible for robots to have lineage, but you know what? I think I’m happier not knowing.
From what I remember about the show, it involved these robots battling on a world that was mostly dirt. Every image that has stuck in my head takes place in a valley of grey rock. So, it’s nice thatTransformers: Beast Wars: Transmetals(yes, I’m going to spell that out every time) manages to capture that spirit, as every arena is just ugly and featureless.
More than that, the levels are infinite and flat. They’re all slightly different colors, and feature different things in the background. The backdrops are unique because they feature the most nauseating parallax scrolling I’ve seen in a long time. None of it really syncs up, so staring at them for any period of time is disorienting.
Backing up for a moment,Transformers: Beast Wars: Transmetalsis a one-on-one fighting game. That doesn’t do enough to describe it, however, so attempt to imagine the most minimal effort fighting game. It’s a game that can hardly be described as such.
While the genre typically brings to mind grabs, projectiles, and air attacks, you need to dial back your expectations. Even when I add “it’s on a 3D plane” you need to expunge thoughts ofVirtua FighterorSoul Edgefrom your mind. If evenXena: Warrior Princess: The Talisman of Fatecame to mind, you’re still not deep enough into the dank pits of despair. Did you playBallz 3D? I’m sorry if you did, but it’s honestly the closest abomination I can place next toTransformers: Beast Wars: Transmetals, and even then, I think we’re being too charitable.
Picture a fighting game where the development staff decided not to do the bare minimum. Grappling? Too difficult. Special moves? Too hard to program. Punching? With this budget? No, you’re given a suite of projectile attacks to lob at your opponent. They mostly home in, because there’s no targeting system. It has less strategy than that old card game, War.
Oh, but wait! It’s aTransformersgame, so the fighters must transform, right? They do! I’m just as surprised as you are.
However, if you’re expecting this to provide any sort of depth to the game, you obviously haven’t been listening so far. Each transformation — Robot Mode, Beast Mode, and Vehicle Mode — just provides a different set of projectiles to lob at your opponent. Some are better than others, and by “better” I mean easier to spam.
The AI is something special. I’d say it looks like the opponents are just button-mashing, but that’s not going far enough. They’re struggling in anguish to figure out the controls to the game they’re trapped in. Every attack looks random, as they continuously switch back and forth between the game’s three modes. It’s like being trapped in an elevator with someone trying to figure out a fatality code inMortal Kombatby luck. I’m afraid to leave the cartridge plugged into my N64 at night for fear that my home will be filled by the tortured screams of the AI trying to escape their silicon prison.
So the best technique you’re able to develop here is to just confuse the AI, which isn’t difficult. I got a lot of mileage from running circles around them, firing homing shots. They try to return fire, but they’re usually unable to because they don’t know what the buttons do. Sometimes they’ll just start flipping out, loudly announcing “vehicle mode, beast mode, vehicle mode, beast mode,” like they’ve just started pounding their controller against the floor in frustration.
Even if you put another player behind the controller — which I didn’t because I’m far too merciful — you’ve still got a game where skill isn’t a requirement. Find your bot’s best projectile and start lobbing. If the other player figures out there’s a block button (only accessible in robot mode), change modes and try another button.
There are a few “bonuses” as well. There’s this weird gunfight mini-game, one where you just mash buttons to escape explosions, and a standard fight, but everyone is squished. All I can say about these is that I guess they’re better than nothing, but only marginally.
There are eight characters to choose from, plus an additional four that are at least easy to remember the code for. If you manage to beat the game without losing a match, you can also fight against Megatron X. He has two health bars, which seems cheap, but his brain works about as poorly as everyone else’s.
Transformers: Beast Wars: Transmetalsis just such an amazingly lazy product. I found myself laughing when thecredits rolledand not a single member of the creative team is listed. No one even wanted to take responsibility for the game’s art. The production staff and the localization team are listed, and that’s it. This might be the first time I’ve actually seen this happen. A lot of Japanese developers were pressured into using pseudonyms in credits so they couldn’t be poached by other companies, but this is the first time I’ve seen it where the people who worked on the game didn’t want to be associated.
There was also a PS1 version ofTransformers: Beast Wars: Transmetals, and it was completely different. It’s not a great game either, but it actually acts like a coherent product. The N64 version is completely bewildering. It doesn’t even feel like a prototype, it feels more like someone didn’t want to pay for a studio to develop for them, so they just handed the project over to their nephew.
