Because the best things in life aren’t free

Fools. Youpoor,poor,poor,poorfools. It’s almost as if you don’t evenlikewinning at life.

I mean, I guess there’s nothingwrongwith choosingAthena,Claptrap,Nisha, orWilhelmas your go-to character inBorderlands: The Pre-Sequel. Just like there’s nothingwrongwith eating Taco Bell for all four meals every day.

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But that doesn’t make itright, either.

You know whatisright? Paying to win. That’s whyI’m callingdibson [DLC Character #1].

[He/She/It] has a tangible value

The opening area of the Whisper mission, in a small grove.

How much is Athena worth? What about Nisha? Or Wilhelm? Claptrap?! Nothing. They’re free. Which is just a nice way of saying they’re worthless.

People, there’s areasoncharacters like [DLC Character #1] cost [$10/$15]: because they’re fucking worth it! What did you expect, that Gearbox was going to justgiveyou the best character in the game?For free?Keep dreaming, Jack.

The Divide in the Cosmodrome, where the Guardian was resurrected.

That’s why I’m putting my money where [DLC Character #1]’s mouth is. And you can bet your ass I’ll be decking [him/her/it] out in [DLC Outfit #1] while I’m at it. Because nothing screams “Pandora” like making it rain all over their cheap asses.

[Nolan North and/or Jennifer Hale]’s voice acting really brought [him/her/it] to life

A holofoil Ribbontail, as seen in collections.

No offense to whoever the hell voiced all those otherBorderlandscharacters, but they ain’t gotshiton [Nolan North and/or Jennifer Hale] and we all know it. Simultaneously sexy and sadistic, witty, and heroic, [Nolan North and/or Jennifer Hale] brought Anthony Burch’s words to life in a way I’ve never before seen in any form of media, let alone videogames.

If you’ve been waiting all your life for theCitizen Kaneof videogames to emerge like I have, you’ll be happy to know that [DLC Character #1]’s voice acting is the “Rosebud” for a new generation. Because games are art and things like this are important to talk about.

The Phoneutria Fera hand cannon, inspired by the Season of the Haunted armor set. It has a unique, galactic glow.

[His/Her/Its] new [Skill Name] skill is a literal game-changer

I never could have imagined what a difference the [Skill Name] skill would make to not only aBorderlandsgame, but the FPS/RPG genre as a whole. Hell, it’s literally changed the way I think aboutevery videogame ever!

Three Fuses appear in a match of Apex Legends' Wild Card mode.

I mean, it’s so simple, and yet so perfect; how has nobody ever thought this up before?! Every other game developer ever should take note, because I have glimpsed the future, and what I saw was beautiful.

I’ve had impure thoughts about [him/her/it]

Mad Maggie opens a supply bin and an item with a symbol indicating infinite ammo appears.

And I’m not ashamed to admit it! I am a sexual being, for Christ’s sake, and I’ll be damned if the art design for [DLC Character #1] doesn’t rub me inallthe right places. (But mostly just my sex organ.) You certainly can’t say that about any of the other characters on display (Well, maybe Claptrap. But still.)

I haven’t had these kinds of thoughts about a videogame character since I was 15 and playing the originalTomb Raider; I only wish there was a third-person camera mode so I could take it all in (so to speak).

Legends slide through a zipline in King’s Canyon in Apex Legends.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in my bunk. You know, taking a nap or something.

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The Yeartide Apex tex Mechanica SMG with a Holofoil glow.